Fine Dining
by myfavoriteloser
Summary: It's kind of hard to impress your girlfriend's parents when her brother won't stop making eyes at you from across the dinner table


_**Here's another Sasuke one-shot!**_

_**I'm not going to stop writing "Planet Sasuke" anytime soon; it's kind of therapeutic for me.**_

_**I just want to get a few of these one-shots out of my head before I totally implode. **_

_**Also, I started writing this before they introduced Sakura's parents in the anime (her mother is straight ugly) so they won't be in character, and I'm calling them Mr. and Mrs. Haruno.**_

* * *

_**Fine Dining **_

_It's kind of hard to impress your girlfriend's_

_parents when her brother won't stop making eyes_

_at you from across the dinner table_

* * *

Sasuke knew he was hot. It wasn't something he bragged about or broadcasted to the rest of the world, but he knew it, and everyone else did too. That's why when his girlfriend, Sakura, complained about how "arrogant", "cold", and "calloused" he was, he had to calmly explain that it wouldn't be fair to all the other girls that _weren't _dating him if he had a wonderful personality too, because then he'd be perfect. (Of course, she'd always backhand him right after and he wouldn't get any for a few days, but it was still the truth so it was all chill.)

As gorgeous as Sasuke _obviously_ was, he couldn't recall ever turning a straight guy gay, and he was pretty sure that Sakura's brother, Sasori, was into chicks like, a week ago. That being said, he couldn't figure out why the older boy wouldn't stop eye-fucking him over the macaroni and cheese. He felt exposed…and violated; it just wasn't cool.

"So, Sasuke," Mr. Haruno began suddenly, fixing him with an "I'm-Picking-Apart-Your-Entire-Soul" stare, "Sakura told me you're the one that's beating her out in class rankings."

Alarm bells immediately started going off in Sasuke's head. He had to answer this question very carefully, so he would not appear full of himself (even though he was because he's awesome).

"I am, but it's only by a few points. She's been keeping me on my toes." Psh, yeah right; he loved his girlfriend, he really did, and she was _extremely_ smart, but she didn't have _nothing_ on him. He wasn't worried about her catching up like, at all; legit. But there was no way he was telling her that. He very much liked his face _not beaten in by her manly fists _thankyouverymuch. Sasuke knew that he'd successfully diffused the situation when Mr. Haruno resumed eating with a grunt, and Sakura squeezed his thigh approvingly underneath the table.

He was just barely containing a cocky smirk when something rubbed sensually against his leg.

Now he knew this something didn't belong to his girlfriend. He could see all of her parts just fine from his seat beside hers (she was keeping them innocently to herself), and her parents were too far away. Slowly (because he really didn't want to), Sasuke lifted his gaze to Sasori. The red-head was staring back at him, eyes glittering and a very rapist-like smile on his face. Sasuke glanced briefly at the rest of the Harunos, who were eating obliviously. How do they _not_ see this, he mused, peeking cautiously beneath the tablecloth.

He honestly almost dove out of his chair and ran for the hills right then; good impression be _damned_.

There by his feet was some kind of wooden contraption that resembled a mini version of Sasori himself. It was shirtless, with wide eyes and an eerily blank expression. How in the world did Sasori make that, and how the _hell_ did he sneak it to dinner unnoticed? Sasuke noted that were strings attached to the limbs of the "thing." He narrowed his eyes, tracing the thin wires back to Sasori's fingers.

With a flick of the red-head's hand, Mini-Sasori began rolling his hips seductively and moving his finger in the "come hither" motion. Sasuke felt his eyebrow twitch. Just…what was wrong with Sakura's brother? Did he have some kind of mental condition that Sasuke wasn't aware of?

"You look like an athletic boy, Sasuke; do you play in sports?" He snapped his head up, blinking owlishly at the expectant Mrs. Haruno.

"…Ah. I'm captain of the swim team and the soccer team, and I run track."

"Oh yes," the woman brightened, "I remember Sakura mentioning you were captain of the swim team."

"She's one of the best swimmers we have." Sakura beamed beside him and he smirked inwardly. He was _so_ getting some tonight.

Everyone went back to eating. He decided to just ignore both the Sasori's for the time being, because Mrs. Haruno's food was delicious. His own mother couldn't cook like, at all. Of course, Mikoto thought her cooking was amazing, but the males of the Uchiha household didn't share her sentiments. They would disappear into their respective rooms with their plates, where they would throw the horrid meal away and eat some fast food they'd secretly picked up on the way home. But no one would tell her that her food was bad; they all loved life.

The next few minutes passed pleasantly. Light chatter filled the dining room, and Sasuke had nearly forgotten he was supposed to be afraid for his virtue, until he felt something creeping up the leg of his khakis. He felt like that one chick from the horror movies as he slowly lifted the tablecloth. Mini-Sasori was staring up at him, one arm extending under his pants.

…Oh fuck this.

Sasuke jumped up, wrenching his leg free. An awkward silence fell over the table, and he shifted uncomfortably when every set of eyes in the room turned unblinkingly to him.

"I…have to use the bathroom."

"I'll show him where it is." Sasori offered immediately.

Nonononono—

"How sweet if you!" Mrs. Haruno cried, ushering them off.

"Hurry back!"

As Sasori led him upstairs, Sasuke began devising plans for his escape. Uchiha Sasuke was _not_ about to get raped; especially by another boy. If anyone ever found out, he'd lose all his street cred. He would die from embarrassment with a loose—

"I'm assuming you don't really have to use the bathroom." Sasuke jerked from his musings, realising instantly that they were in someone's bedroom.

Shit.

"How do you know that," Sasuke asked testily, "you don't have my bladder. I could be about to kill us both in an explosion of piss right now."

Sasori just stared at him, and he stared right back because, you know, it could happen.

"Whatever," the red-head raised his hands in surrender, "I just wanted to let you know that you passed." Sasuke's eyebrows shot up.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"They've been going around school saying that you're gay, and I had to test you to make sure you weren't just using my sister. You passed."

For a moment, he could do nothing but gaze blankly at the older boy.

"…Even if I _was_ gay," he scowled, "that wouldn't have seduced me. It was fucking creepy. You kept looking at me like you were going to rip my clothes off, and had a fucking puppet version of yourself dancing to "Hips Don't Lie" and molesting me under the table. You were like, like a pedophile or something; like Pedobear."

Sasori looked offended.

"I'm very attractive; any gay guy would _love_ to have me. And besides," he defended, "they said you liked it kinky."

Sasuke really needed to find out who this "they" was so he could beat "they" ass.

"You obviously don't know how to be alluring. "he snorted.

"And since we've established that I'm _not_ gay, I'm going back downstairs." He turned on his heel, intending to stroll coolly away while he still had most of his dignity intact, but Sasori grabbed his arm and turned him back around, his expression serious.

"Teach me how to be sexy."

..

..

..

It turns out that Sasori was a horrible student. He didn't have an ounce of seductiveness in his entire body. Sasuke could have literally smacked him in the face with sex appeal, and it probably wouldn't have done a gosh darn thing.

"I give up," he said finally, after they had been at it so long he'd lost track of time, "I can't teach you anything; you suck."

"No I don't; I'm learning!"

"No you're not," Sasuke scowled, "you're socially retarded. That's why Itachi and the rest of your dead-beat friends never invite you anywhere."

Sasori narrowed his eyes.

"You're lying; they love me." Sasuke rolled his.

"Believe what you want; I'm leaving."

"Okay wait, I'm sorry. Can you repeat what you were saying about the proper way to smile?"

Sasuke was literally two seconds away from punching Sasori in the face until the older boy just dropped dead, seriously.

"There is no proper way to smile when you're trying to seduce someone!" Sasuke snapped, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"You have to be mysterious; smiling isn't mysterious, and it usually turns out looking really creepy when you're trying to be sexy. You're supposed to _smirk_ or _half-smile_."

"…But then wouldn't half-smiling be the proper way to smile?" Sasuke glared at him in silence.

"You know that I don't need this right? Whether or not you die old, shriveled, and alone is not my prerogative."

"Well how do you think _Sakura _will react if I told her how horribly you've been treating her older brother?" Sasuke snorted, fixing him with a condescending smirk.

"All I'd have to do is give her some meaningless compliment and she'd be putty in my hands anyway, so go ahead and try."

"Is the right, Sasuke-kun?" the boy in question froze. He didn't have to turn around to realise who was standing in the doorway.

…Shit.

..

..

..

_**As always, sorry for any mistakes and I hope you enjoyed. **_


End file.
